Scientists have not yet plumbed the depths of the mystery of the carrot.

Whatever we possess becomes of double value
when we have the opportunity of sharing it with others.

Those goons are after me. I need you and the kids to get in this orange!

The plot to take out Hitler and then all of his loyal officers was called Operation Valkyrie, based on the belief that no plan can fail if it has a cool enough name.

Doors will open automatically, and clothing will be put away by remote control. The heating and cooling systems will be built into the furniture and rugs.

...there will be travel at 1000 m.p.h. at a penny a mile...

And this isn't science fiction. It's science fact - futuristic ideas, conceived by imaginative young men, whose crazy-sounding schemes have got the nod from the scientists.

MonsterText: a text editor that gives you the features you need, not the features you want.

The one-electron universe hypothesis postulates that there exists only a single electron in the universe, propagating through space and time in such a way as to appear in many places simultaneously.

Three statisticians go duck hunting. Their dog chases out a duck and it starts to fly. The first statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too high. The second statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too low. The third statistician says, "We got him!"

You can write Java code that's object-oriented but C-like using arrays, vectors, linked lists, hashtables, and a minimal sprinkling of classes. Or you can spend years creating mountains of class hierarchies and volumes of UML in a heroic effort to tell people stories about all the great code you're going to write someday.

Perl, Python and Ruby fail to attract many Java and C++ programmers because, well, they force you to get stuff done. It's not very easy to drag your heels and dicker with class modeling in dynamic languages, although I suppose some people still manage. By and large these languages (like C) force you to face the computation head-on. That makes them really unpopular with metadata-addicted n00bs. It's funny, but I used to get really pissed off at Larry Wall for calling Java programmers "babies". It turns out the situation is a little more complicated than that... but only a little.

Also, I should note that you may not use this code in your own applications. If you want to reduce a variable by 89, you'll have to find another way to do it.

One guy had the audacity to say this:

"Okay PG, it's time to call you out. Unicode support is not trivial, like you make it out to be, and it's not a waste of time. It's a critical piece of infrastructure for any runtime. You fail."

Then came the knockout punch. Patrick Collison of CROMA fame added full Unicode support to Arc by adding -2 (that's minus two!) lines to Arc! Mr. Graham came out with this followup to the above sass:

"I'm glad this is preserved for posterity, since it did turn out to be trivial and in fact got added with about -2 lines of code a few days after this comment was posted..."

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

You have just received the Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish don't have computers, it is based on the honor system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you for you cooperation.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.

You have bad grammar.

Some people think my first name is Diffie.

In any case every language is either trying to re-invent lisp or smalltalk. Let's just learn those and be done with it.

A statistic frequently cited is that no spy has ever been caught by a polygraph examination.

Whatever type of programmer you choose to hire, make sure he is not exposed to sunlight at any point. Any light brighter than the glow of a monitor will kill a programmer.

When Bruce Schneier was born, the doctor slapped the security guard.

Albert Einstein wears Bruce Schneier pajamas.

Bruce Schneier can deciper line noise.

SHA = "Schneier Has Access"

Bruce Schneier created the first Honeypot; we now call it the Internet.

Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it.

Bruce Schneier generated his RSA key with the two largest prime numbers.

Bruce Schneier taught his dog to do a secure handshake.

Setting the SSID of an open Wi-Fi network to "bruceschneier" makes it completely secure.

'NP' means 'No Problem' to Bruce Schneier.

Bruce Schneier is always the man in the middle.

Justice prevails! ...evil justice.

Apple's new MacBook Air's fat end is slimmer than the skinny end of Sony's thinnest Vaio notebook. This is a major technical and aesthetic breakthrough, and a killer feature for those vexed by the fact that you can't send laptops via interoffice mail.

We're told that if you don't like it, you're obviously missing something: "It's aimed at a different market!" Which market is that.. more money than sense?

First you have a background which looks like a piece of graph paper after it has been used to smash up a family of frogs. On top of this is a sort of three-dimensional computer terminal, as if the fact that you're using an actual computer to view the website isn't quite "computery" enough. In the center of this is something called "Pepsi World," which has just exploded. All of these elements combine to give me a kind of headache that is very small but will never go away.

It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the Zune again.

Vader: What now, my master?
Emperor: Well, I've been working on this for quite some time.

[Motions at blueprints of the Death Star]

Vader: .... A boobie?

Emperor: No! It's a battlestation. I call it—The Sphere O' Fear. Or, Planet Death. The Killing Ball? Death Moon. Giant Hurt Ball! The Deathticle...

Geek and you shall find.

You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.

Joel: What is it?
Rob: I don't know, it's a place that does a thing.

Tomatoes are not vegetables, they're berries.

Did you know...

• that zebras don't have stripes; every single picture you've seen of them has been Photoshopped?
• that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
• that a pixel is a very tiny winged fairy whose body is constantly surrounded with a square field of colour?
• that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
• that the Matrix had you, and then lost you in the sequel?

Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip!

All I know is my steak tastes better when I take my steak tastes better pill.

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.
Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor's cup full, and then kept on pouring.
The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. "It is overfull. No more will go in!"
"Like this cup," Nan-in said, "you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?"

Paranoia was evinced by the subject, who began to suspect anyone and everyone of sending him these mysterious sheep. We were truly curious about the subject’s reaction, not upon receiving the first sheep, but on receiving the second sheep—and realizing that there were 201 more sheep to come.

Melton claims to have excommunicated all other Discordians, based on the fact that he is a Discordian Pope. Being Popes themselves, they then de-excommunicated themselves and/or each other.

Congratulations Canada for allowing the Irish to vote!

Well, it was about that time that I noticed that girl scout was eight stories tall.