Quotes

mcandre — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 12:27:04 CDT

A goal is a dream with a deadline.

—Ilya Grigorik

Scientists have not yet plumbed the depths of the mystery of the carrot.

—Michael Pollan on nutrition

Whatever we possess becomes of double value
when we have the opportunity of sharing it with others.

—Bouilly

Those goons are after me. I need you and the kids to get in this orange!

—Derrick Comedy, "Mad Hatter"

The plot to take out Hitler and then all of his loyal officers was called Operation Valkyrie, based on the belief that no plan can fail if it has a cool enough name.

—Cracked.com on the July 20 Plot

Doors will open automatically, and clothing will be put away by remote control. The heating and cooling systems will be built into the furniture and rugs.

...there will be travel at 1000 m.p.h. at a penny a mile...

And this isn't science fiction. It's science fact - futuristic ideas, conceived by imaginative young men, whose crazy-sounding schemes have got the nod from the scientists.

—Will Life be Worth Living in 2,000 AD?

MonsterText: a text editor that gives you the features you need, not the features you want.

—OS X Apps

The one-electron universe hypothesis postulates that there exists only a single electron in the universe, propagating through space and time in such a way as to appear in many places simultaneously.

—Wikipedia, Richard Feynman

Three statisticians go duck hunting. Their dog chases out a duck and it starts to fly. The first statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too high. The second statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too low. The third statistician says, "We got him!"

—Wikipedia, Mathematical Humor

You can write Java code that's object-oriented but C-like using arrays, vectors, linked lists, hashtables, and a minimal sprinkling of classes. Or you can spend years creating mountains of class hierarchies and volumes of UML in a heroic effort to tell people stories about all the great code you're going to write someday.

Perl, Python and Ruby fail to attract many Java and C++ programmers because, well, they force you to get stuff done. It's not very easy to drag your heels and dicker with class modeling in dynamic languages, although I suppose some people still manage. By and large these languages (like C) force you to face the computation head-on. That makes them really unpopular with metadata-addicted n00bs. It's funny, but I used to get really pissed off at Larry Wall for calling Java programmers "babies". It turns out the situation is a little more complicated than that... but only a little.

—Steve Yegge, "Portrait of a N00b"

Also, I should note that you may not use this code in your own applications. If you want to reduce a variable by 89, you'll have to find another way to do it.

—Jake Vinson, The Daily WTF

One guy had the audacity to say this:

"Okay PG, it's time to call you out. Unicode support is not trivial, like you make it out to be, and it's not a waste of time. It's a critical piece of infrastructure for any runtime. You fail."

Then came the knockout punch. Patrick Collison of CROMA fame added full Unicode support to Arc by adding -2 (that's minus two!) lines to Arc! Mr. Graham came out with this followup to the above sass:

"I'm glad this is preserved for posterity, since it did turn out to be trivial and in fact got added with about -2 lines of code a few days after this comment was posted..."

—On adding Unicode to Arc

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

You have just received the Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish don't have computers, it is based on the honor system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you for you cooperation.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.

—The Best Geek Quotes

You have bad grammar.

—overheard on the Internet

Some people think my first name is Diffie.

—Martin Hellman on the invention of Public Key Cryptography.

In any case every language is either trying to re-invent lisp or smalltalk. Let's just learn those and be done with it.

—timmy on the Next Big Language.

A statistic frequently cited is that no spy has ever been caught by a polygraph examination.

—On interviewing with the NSA

Whatever type of programmer you choose to hire, make sure he is not exposed to sunlight at any point. Any light brighter than the glow of a monitor will kill a programmer.

—Uncyclopedia on Programmers

When Bruce Schneier was born, the doctor slapped the security guard.

Albert Einstein wears Bruce Schneier pajamas.

Bruce Schneier can deciper line noise.

SHA = "Schneier Has Access"

Bruce Schneier created the first Honeypot; we now call it the Internet.

Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it.

Bruce Schneier generated his RSA key with the two largest prime numbers.

Bruce Schneier taught his dog to do a secure handshake.

Setting the SSID of an open Wi-Fi network to "bruceschneier" makes it completely secure.

'NP' means 'No Problem' to Bruce Schneier.

Bruce Schneier is always the man in the middle.

—Bruce Schneier Facts

Justice prevails! ...evil justice.

—Nativity Scene LARP Battle

Apple's new MacBook Air's fat end is slimmer than the skinny end of Sony's thinnest Vaio notebook. This is a major technical and aesthetic breakthrough, and a killer feature for those vexed by the fact that you can't send laptops via interoffice mail.

—Paul Boutin on the MacBook Air

We're told that if you don't like it, you're obviously missing something: "It's aimed at a different market!" Which market is that.. more money than sense?

—Jem on the MacBook Air

First you have a background which looks like a piece of graph paper after it has been used to smash up a family of frogs. On top of this is a sort of three-dimensional computer terminal, as if the fact that you're using an actual computer to view the website isn't quite "computery" enough. In the center of this is something called "Pepsi World," which has just exploded. All of these elements combine to give me a kind of headache that is very small but will never go away.

—eKarjala, on Pepsi's webpage in 1996.

It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the Zune again.

—Macenstein comment

Vader: What now, my master?
Emperor: Well, I've been working on this for quite some time.
[Motions at blueprints of the Death Star]

Vader: .... A boobie?

Emperor: No! It's a battlestation. I call it—The Sphere O' Fear. Or, Planet Death. The Killing Ball? Death Moon. Giant Hurt Ball! The Deathticle...

—Star Wars: A Lost Hope

Geek and you shall find.

—Geekopedia

You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.

—a fortune cookie

Joel: What is it?
Rob: I don't know, it's a place that does a thing.

—Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Tomatoes are not vegetables, they're berries.

—Scott C., Usenet Frequently Posted Urban Legends

Did you know...

that zebras don't have stripes; every single picture you've seen of them has been Photoshopped?
that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
that a pixel is a very tiny winged fairy whose body is constantly surrounded with a square field of colour?
that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
that the Matrix had you, and then lost you in the sequel?

—Uncyclopedia

Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip!

—S23Wiki

All I know is my steak tastes better when I take my steak tastes better pill.

—Jonathan Coulton, "I Feel Fantastic"

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.
Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor's cup full, and then kept on pouring.
The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. "It is overfull. No more will go in!"
"Like this cup," Nan-in said, "you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?"

—A Cup of Tea

Paranoia was evinced by the subject, who began to suspect anyone and everyone of sending him these mysterious sheep. We were truly curious about the subject’s reaction, not upon receiving the first sheep, but on receiving the second sheep—and realizing that there were 201 more sheep to come.

—Apocrypha Discordia

Melton claims to have excommunicated all other Discordians, based on the fact that he is a Discordian Pope. Being Popes themselves, they then de-excommunicated themselves and/or each other.

—Wikipedia, Discordianism

Congratulations Canada for allowing the Irish to vote!

—Rick Mercer's "Talking to Americans"

Well, it was about that time that I noticed that girl scout was eight stories tall.

—Thomas, South Park "The Succubus"

The second change to to the grammar rules of foreign languages is that
all symbols used to indicate the beginning or end of a block must be
prefixed with the '#' character. If you are a former Pascal or Ada
programmer this will change your usual notation to:

if x: #BEGIN
x = x + 1
#END

—Fredrik Lundh, Python Block Delimited Notation Parsing Explained

Actually, I've always had a rather extensive vocabulary, not to mention a phenomenal grasp of grammar and a superlative command of syntax. I simply chose not to employ them.

—Uh-Huh, The Little Rascals

Who's the only one here who knows the illegal ninja moves from the government?

—Napolean Dynamite

<revmoo> does flock() not work on ntfs?
<Hendrix-> only if you compile with -lshepherd

—QDB

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

—George Carlin

And therefore, by process of elimination, the electron must taste like grapeade.

—Professor Farnsworth, Futurama

<+CmOrHaIr> i can put a computer together and be prepareing the hdd in 20 min
<+CmOrHaIr> or 15 even
<+Jackworks> CmOrHaIr: if u do it in 15 i bet i can make it in 14
* ^Caliban makes sure to avoid any computers put together by Cmor or Jack

—QDB

I aim to misbehave.

—Mal, Serenity

I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.

—Rufus, Dogma

I hesitate to name these courses explicitly. I wouldn't be agile enough to dodge the game of graphic bloodshed aimed at me by animated, project-managing, object-oriented engineers using Java and Web 2.0 technologies to roast me via user interfaces designed rationally through teamwork and modern software methodologies. I'd become a case study in the ethics of software and its impact on our culture.

—Steve Yegge

I'm growin' big, I'm growin' big! My legs are growing independent of my body!

—Bitter Films

Damn, this is wet!

—Captain Obvious on water

Don't be afraid to get some mashed potatoes on that motherfucker.

—MC Hawking

Now this will only hurt once, but damn it's goin' hurt!

—Meatwad

Too easy, baby!

—Darth Vader, A Mile A Minute Star Wars

200 channels, nothing on but cats.

—Jasper, The Simpsons

Briefly explain how a nuclear reactor works.

—Professor Trefil

Sorry, looked at you.

—Crowe, MST3K "The She Creature"

Thin Mint Distraction!

—Paper Wars, Episode 1

Your sock's untied.

—Textfiles

But Master...
Does not the mountain need the air?
Does not the fire need the water?
Does not your scrotum need kicking?

—Beavis

That dog does not get a vote!

—Olde English, "Writers of Lost"

Medoken!

—8-Bit Theater

So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

—Dark Helmet, Space Balls

The TM stands for Time Machine!

—Ken Swizzle's Time Machine (TM)

Bitch, I'm bout to ball this!

—Warren, Smokin Aces

You miss 100% of the people you don't stab.

—Ask a Ninja

Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives... except Fleegle.

—Hank, SNL

<Tr1driph0n> shouldn't the past tense of shit be shot?
<Tr1driph0n> like, you know, 'i shot my pants'?

—QDB

<DarthSemiAway> 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilamockingbirds

—QDB

Use words.

—Clam, acting therapist at Camp Lazlo

I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

"Calvin-Ball" is not authorized PT.

—Skippy

Hi,
I read your article about hating school and stuff but you just forget we ARE STILL GOING TO SCHOOL
kids can't just wake up someday and tell their parents I DON'T WANT TO GO SCHOOL, thats just..unusual..we can just not going..i hate school I HATE EVERYTIHNG IN IT..I HATE THOSE FAT BITCH TEACHERS!!!! >_<

—Naor

If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge.

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

It isn't the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it's the pebble in your shoe.

—Muhammad Ali

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

—P. J. O'Rourke

There ain't no sin and there ain't no virtue. There's just stuff people do.

—The Grapes of Wrath

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.

—V for Vendetta

Beep go boom, sir.

—Devastro

An experiment was carried out...

—Look Around You

In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. Therefore Space and Time are Yin and Yang of programming.

After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless.

A well-written program is its own heaven;
A poorly-written program is its own hell.

—The Tao of Programming

Who are these terrorists, aside from an unexplained coalition of French, Germans and Asians? Why are they trying to destroy Los Angeles? Was it because of X-Men 3?

—Philadelphia review of "Next"

Imagine the kind of conversation you would have with someone so far away that there was a transmission delay of one minute. Now imagine speaking to someone in the next room. You wouldn’t just have the same conversation faster, you would have a different kind of conversation. In Lisp, developing software is like speaking face-to-face. You can test code as you’re writing it. And instant turnaround has just as dramatic an effect on development as it does on conversation. You don’t just write the same program faster; you write a different kind of program.

—Paul Graham, "On Lisp"

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.

—The Buddha

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mcandre — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 02:34:17 CST

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